Things No One Wants to Hear on Conference Day

Tomorrow teachers, students and parents get together to celebrate the absorbing insights we’ve bestowed upon one another over the past three months.

The following quotes have been brazenly plagiarized from the blogs of unassuming people. That is, I’ve taken them wildly out of their original contexts for the amusement of myself and the baker’s dozen people who read this blog but never comment. Let’s hope tomorrow’s series of enthralling meetings fail to provide occasion for any of the following to be uttered in conversation with me:

“I had a good opportunity to create some meaningful bonds with his dog.”

“Pot is bad for you, and good for you.”

“We’re trying to catch a possum. Wanna help?”

“So apparently after careful inspection last week, he still wasn't convinced it wasn't a wig.”

“He rode home in the trunk.”

“What resulted was a hard rock of wheat with a doughy center.”

“Mom, who would have thought that your middle name would be the brand name for a toilet?”

“He was excited to hear about how poop was burned as a fuel.”

“I have planted seeds in the rest of the garden twice now, but nothing comes up.”

“I went up to my elbows in Herbert's guts.”

“Did you know that in a blind test, some girls thought they were kissing male models but were really kissing chimpanzees?”

“I'm just happy that we appear to be smarter than the average bears.”

“For those of you anxiously awaiting news about the start of school, sorry to disappoint you.”