Ways to Add Zing to Next Year’s Commencement

For brevity’s sake, go with either ‘Pomp’ or ‘Circumstance’.

After “Play ball!” is sung in the National Anthem, start selling hot dogs.

At lull in the program, all distinguished guests on platform rise to perform Riverdance.

During long-winded speeches, show random audience members’ cell phone displays on big screen.

Valedictorian gives entire valedictory speech in voice of Elmer Fudd.

Speakers who give life lessons from comic books instantly become invisible.

Seat toupee-wearers near fans.

Put scratch-and-sniff stickers on diplomas.

Trigger sprinkler system. Inform crowd that graduation is rained out till next year.